I want to post so many things up here
but i don't have the time to do proper posts so far :(
that's sad because eventually i'll forget what i wanted to post.

been having too little sleep,
staying out way too much for school stuff and studying,
being home too little,
being broke too often,
feeling rather down lately.
Not forgetting i'm having one of the worst break outs now.

I REALLY WANT TO DO MY PROPER POSTS BECAUSE
I'M EXCITED ABOUT IT BUT I DON'T HAVE THE SIT-DOWN TIME
TO DO SO.

I must say though,
i've changed so much this year,
or rather in a few months' span
and the people who made big enough a impact
that caused me to change,
thank you.
Doesn't matter if it's negative or positive impact,
i've changed so much mentally,
and i thank you for that.

Really, honestly, truly,
thank you.

5am-ish

and I can't sleep.
too much coffee in my body.
I used to not like Starbucks because
overpriced stuff right there you know,
overpriced yummy stuff.
But because of the wireless and
we need a place to go to get our work done,
not always being productive but I love your company nonetheless,
Charleen and I have been to two different Starbucks
for so many days already.
I should have known better, no caffeine after 6pm
but it was fine those days till today.
Today I'm not fine, I can't sleep
while I'm here being over exhausted.

You know when you think of something
long enough,
like getting conclusions after conclusions after conclusions,
you see things so much better
and you don't look for an answer anymore
but you just look for a clear picture and
a positive mindset to face the situation.

How am I suppose to wake up for school later.

It's your birthday,
I'll see you later!
xx

Babycakes,
don't spread yourself too thin.

Quote

Just saw gifs about Ashton Kutcher's speech on TCA
and it went

"The sexiest thing in the entire world
is being really smart.
And being thoughtful.
And being generous.
Everything else is crap! I promise you.
It's just crap that people try to sell to you
to make you feel like less.
So don't buy it.
Be smart, be thoughtful and be generous."

Agreed?

THIS.

"Why can’t people be really fucking spontaneous more often.
Like why don’t people get on buses in the middle of the night
to see someone or call them and say what they feel exactly how they feel it.
It’s all fucking mundane shit, trying to keep your cool, playing hard to get,
hinting and confusing signals ugh I hate it"

As dramatic, as obnoxious, as too-much-to-handle
this is to some,
I need a friend like this.
Where are you?!
I need you in my life right now :(
Call me when I'm asleep,
tell me you need me and I'll try to go to you,
look me up whenever you feel like it,

can you appear so we can chase the sunrise together
while complaining how exhausted we are
but that that's also one of the best days of our lives?
Where are you,
my dear?

People.

Do you have friends that

used to talk to you about a particular friend,

they told you about how he or she

bad mouthed about them

how they used them

how they only talked to them when they needed something

how they only go to them when they have no one

what they did to them that got them mad or sad

But look at those two now,

just look,

they got back to being the bestest of friends.

It makes me happy actually, 

not sure how to say why but

there is love in hate and hate in love.

Should we never forget to forgive,

never ever forget to forgive

because second chances like that,

the ones where there were once great distance in between two

who eventually find their way back to each other,

are the chances you don't ever want to lose again.

I've been appreciating flowers a lot recently,

or since a little more than a month ago,

especially roses.

Can't figure out why though.

"I don't like the terms "good person" or "bad person

because it's impossible to be entirely good to everyone

or entirely bad to everyone.

To some, you are a good person, while to others,

you are a bad person."

- Armin Arlelt

okay.

Why didn't I realize that
you brought out the bad in me
more than the good?
Even if I did realize and talked to you about it,
you wouldn't want to face it,
you would rather run away from it,
from me.

So who is to blame
but no one.

Talking about empty books,
yeah i dont need to sleep yet
because blogging in your most exhausted state
is sometimes the best and worst decision
one can make in his or her life,
I always had this idea
(don't remember if i saw it somewhere
or got inspired by what)
that i would have this relationship
with someone
and we would have an empty book for us.
We can write anything we want in it
for the other to see
for our own reminder
for, ESPECIALLY for the things that
we are unable verbalize out.
I WOULD FUCKING LOVE THAT,
NO?
YES.
YESSSSSS!
because fuck social media
and our constant need to post our feelings up there
fucking technology.
meedahl fingz.

I can write down how much i love you,
how much i hate you,
how much i want to explore the world with you,
train ride by train ride,
flight by flights,
how much i want to strangle you to death
because of what you did that day
and how much i want to cuddle you to death.

To death.
Till death do us apart.

Goodbye.
Goodnight.
May the dreams i dream tonight
be the best sandwich, bite.
niamniamniamniamnomz

Can I just

"friendly reminder that in psychology school 

people are taught that anger is a secondary emotion, 

so next time you make someone mad, 

remember that it’s because they were originally hurt or upset"

Thank you.

Because i get upset a lot

and i let myself get hurt as much.

Just because.

I can never explain myself better

until i find somebody else's words 

put together perfectly,

i am so bad at putting words together

that the messages i want to deliver

to the another person

is usually misunderstood 

or there was a misunderstanding in my emotions.

My bad though, my bad. 

It's usually like this -

i'm being told something,

that something is planted in my head like a seed

and then it grows roots, sprouts,

grows into this maze of vines

BUT

i'll just pluck out one vine, JUST ONE or sometimes a few more,

and give it to the other person in words.

then again nobody will fully understand 

unless i give them ten vines at least.

i usually dont, it gets so complicated i cant even

does that make sense,

i'm so tired i need to sleep.

SINCE IM HERE THO

HI THER

I got really sick two days ago 

(it was like one week + of diarrhoea, nauseous, and dizzy stuff before that)

and it was bad till today, just now

long story short,

i lost a lot of weight and i'm happy about that.

I really want to tell you guys something,

the two of you.

I REALLY REALLY WANT TO but

no.

never mind.

no.

if i can't hold it in any longer,

i might just tear my books and eat them pages.

the chances i don't take for myself,

i might or might not regret in the future

and this is the end of my

can i just.

yes i can, this is my blog.

but then again, if i really could,

this wouldn't be this shortly long. 

I really know how to do this better now,

i really know how to handle it better now,

and all i ask for is not another chance

but more like throwing away our old book

and opening a new, blank one.

More like starting anew.

Maybe that's why i needed closure,

i had to get rid of whatever happened back then.

I don't like all that that was going on inside of me

in that really short but long period of time.

How can i tell you that it will never be like that again,

how can i tell you that i'm going to try so hard

to make sure we will be alright no matter what.

How can i tell you that we are about to become different

if you actually hand me an empty book

now.

I can't,

i told you i'll leave it to you.

I hate the words i used that restricts myself sometimes. 

(i finished typing this and realized wo ai ta

was playing all along while i typed this.

sad coincident times -_____-

fiiiiiiiiine, i'll take my leave)

So leave me broken.

As many promises as I can and want to make now,

I can't. 

Well, at least things are different now.

That's good. 

I'm seeing certain things clearer too,

finally understanding what I don't want 

from all that.

Good news and bad news.

Good news is,

I forget easily. 

Bad news is, 

I forget easily. lol

I forget easily in a good way because

I forget a lot of shit people did to me,

or rather I let them go and decide not to remember

because it's not worth remembering

and it's human to err.

Bad thing about forgetting easily is that

I really forget a lot of important things people tell me

about themselves and I can't help it because 

I already have bad memory but 

I pushed myself further trying to let go and forget things

thus damaging my memory even further.

No joke. 

it's been getting worse. 

Then I forget the things that I'm suppose to remember 

that happened to others even though they expect me to.

Guys, 

I cannot even remember my own stuff,

give me a break. 

________________

Odd thing is,

what I thought about you,

about us, haven't changed.

I so strongly believe in it

even though I can clearly see where this is going

or rather not going 

but my heart still tells me all that. 

I hate my instincts sometimes. 

Like hello ah, 

can you not be a psychic already?!

I left you a message.

My Nurse

lol i havent died
so ended up looking through almost the whole bunch of
old photos on Facebook and
god,
i miss old times when
i could see you everyday or
every other day ipaaaaaah!
we're so busy with our lives now :(
we took pictures everywhere,
laughed so loudly all time every time,
like it was nobody's business
and it really was nobody's business
but ours.

i'm sorry that you're stuck with me,
this goldfish memoried perampuan
with a lot of health and life problems
who talks a lot and sometimes leaves
no gaps for you to talk because i keep talking
who is worn out so easily and then energy just dies
and sometimes very persistent on things like
who you should have broken up with and
i do not care, you just needed to break up
with him and you did
(10k years of bliss and joy for that hahahahaha)
(that fucker, i still remember that one night i got pissed at you
because of him and how you let him treat you!
good fucking riddance)
then there was the rude and ignorant me
who is also lazy, slow and usually late
and above all that,
i know i don't really show appreciation
and may seem like i dont care or
am cold about/towards certain things
that i may not take it to heart or remember
but sometimes i ponder on them for donkey years
and i appreciate a shit load silently lol

i may have forgotten a lot of things
but what i remember is sufficient
to still love you a lot.

So glad that we took so many pictures along the way
because they reminded me so much
of what we have done
throughout the years.

(oops bias post
oops)
(oooooooops)
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PS. i got lazy pasting the flowers everywhere :D

I JUST SAW THIS AGAIN LOLOLOL

i swear we were kental kentangs

lub chu :*

xx