I just found this!
I'm so excited, need somebody to do this with me.
Like plan a day just to go for an all out adventure.


You know how
or maybe you don't
But when was the time you got most nervous or anxious?
I have some serious nerve issues.
I panic a lot when i'm scared about something or unsure.
For example, i just checked if the stove is turned off
and i leave house in five minutes,
i'll feel like i'm not sure because i just am not,
so i go check again,
and then after i leave house and if it's one of those days
(which is most of the days)
where i think i'm still not sure, i have to check again
but i'm out, i'll panic in my heart a little till i automatically forget about it.
it will just disappear and that's when i'm ok.
I don't know when and how it will disappear but it will,
i'm so good at forgetting too.
I'm scared, i get nervous a lot,
i'm so awkward, i'm one awkward nerve wrecked ball in human form.

My heart is panicking.
Now.

Laif

So if anybody don't know my dogs already,
the white schnauzer is Fairy and the brown mongrel is Angel
(dad named them, best names ever)
and after yearsssss
FAIRY IS NOT IN A CONE ANYMORE! WOOHOO!!!
Hope it stays this way.
*throw air punches up*

My grandma was talking about something and she told me
that if a poor person steals, it's not his/her fault
because that person is poor and also needs/wants things.
I get what she means but the more I thought about it,
the more sense it doesn't make. haha yeah, doesn't make any sense.
Not about that particular matter, about the world.
Now who is right and who is wrong,
the poor were forced into being poor in some ways
or they are too lazy.
But think about it, the poor ones are usually the ones
who work the hardest.
Now, the rich ones have so much and the more you have,
the more you have to lose.
We are all greedy, because it is our human nature.
Even if it's 1% greed, we are greedy, we want more.

From what I have on my desk that I'm using right now,
i have this laptop that i'm using to type this,
more than 30 stationaries, more than 20 beauty products,
about 10 of different kinds of books, piggy bank with 50c and $1 coins savings,
so many accessories inside a box that I don't even want to estimate
and that's not even all the stuff that I have ON TOP of my desk,
let alone what I have in my drawers.
Those are all the things that I can lose, and if i actually lose something
that I liked, I would probably snap.
or be really sad for some time too.
or both.
But these things, these things we have that we hold on to,
our belongings, it is all to please our own eyes and by doing so,
we know we are also pleasing other eyes that might happen to land on us
or those things we own.

Okay, long story short,
it's all to get us to work so that we have money to purchase
things that brings joy to us directly or indirectly
so that the world is running by this system to control us.
Because without systems, laws and restriction,
we will all be very free and that can cause chaos.
But what exactly is good for us?

Does this complicated life,
which some can make simple and think that
others are making their lives complicated,

i can't even continue with a question.
This whole life is a question.

WHY. AM. I. HERE?

After.

Those in-your-head conversations you have with yourself
after an incident which you try to replay the conversation in your head,
which includes a lot of self bias in it of course,
and then you wonder. you just wonder and
regret not having said those things you could have said better.

What if.
What if we did say those new conversations
in the first place,
would things turn out the way it still did?
Or would it open another door instead of the one
that opened after the conversation ended.

And if it did open a new door,
will i become a better person then?

Will i be able to love myself more?
Will i think that the world is uglier or
it isn't as ugly as what i find it to be now
after finding out that it's all big fat lies?


What are we controlled by?

Jessie J lied.

IT IS ALL 

about the money.

And so...

Back to talking about signs.

Signals.

Clues.

Cue.

I was seeing a guy of a different race for a month and

within that month, most likely right before I'm about to meet him

when I'm with him or right after i meet him, 

i would injure myself or just hit myself somehow.

Didn't think anything of it until it became too often.

I think you can call me clumsy but I'm not THAT clumsy.

Recently, i wanted to get a tattoo and it would be a reminder for myself

and when i reached the train station that I'm suppose to alight and walk

to my destination to meet up with the tattoo artist,

it starting drizzling and then i sort of tripped a little.

The drizzling part i was like "oh, okay, is this a sign?"

but didn't think about it anymore then while walking,

i tripped a little, which i doesn't usually happen unless i really

am not looking at where i was going then i thought 

"maybe these are really signs" y'know.

Then when i got there, he was preparing to show my fonts and stuff

on his laptop and he wasn't using a normal mouse but those for designers.

The pad thing with like a pen.....thing. Ya. That thing. 

Can never remember the name for it.

His laptop wouldn't let him click on anywhere that he wanted to click

to show me stuff and it would only allow him to click the bottom part,

he was using windows. You know, the bar. 

THAT was when i thought "okay, they are all signs. i know, i shouldn't be here"

but i still discussed with him all that necessary stuff and left after that.

I told him I'm not going to get the tattoo done and stuff and he's reeeeaaaally understanding

and nice. Really nice guy.

But my point is I believe in signs.

There are more but i thought these two would explain quite a lot.

Yesterday was just a great day because

at all the 3 stops in the hospital that i went to,

none of them failed to make me smile or laugh a little.

I like small talks, i like long talks too but the small and heart warming ones

are really nice.

End up getting MC from my doctor because i skipped school

because i had flu and she asked me "ok, you want how many days?"

hahaha and i asked for flu meds and we were talking about the price

and they were saying how cheap it is?

As in my doctor and her nurse.

Yeah, that was my gynae doctor trip.

yes, gynae. Fun times in the hospital.

AND SHIT. I FORGOT TO SUBMIT MY MC.

ARRRRRGGGGGH@I&$*#^%&^TEUI

JHYU@T$&^TRSHSJKUFE

10th April

I'll make this one quick,
I took my drowsy med at 8+ and it didn't wear off haha
Do you believe in signs?
Like signs that tell you if you should or shouldn't be doing something.
I do, after going through them and having them thrown at me,
I do.
I'll get back to that in another post.

So today I gave school a miss and went for my appointment,
I have been to a-shit-lot of appointments and it has never been
as great as today.
There were 3 stops,
the scan, the doctor and then pharmacy.
the whole thing was funny.
Ah crap I can't do this, I'm typing this on my phone
and I'm about to knock out.
Guess I'll continue tomorrow or something.
See you later alligator!

What is it?

What scares me is the unknown.

I don't like not knowing things,

not a huge fan of surprises that gives me a shock.

What is this life we're living about?

You know, what are our purposes?

What are you here for?

What am I here for?

Who is the next person to change the world and be known by everyone?

Is somebody around me actually like me?

Thinks like me, talk like me, do things like me 

or is there another exact copy of me somewhere?

I guess everybody have thought of it

or will come to think about it some day.

Who will it be that I will commit to in the future?

How long can I commit to this person?

What Up

Haven't blogged about anything in jurassic years
and i just don't feel like continuing with the other blog
Seems pointless, i don't feel like I'm the same person i was
I was all negative and all the bad vibes and stuff
Choked me almost to death reading a few lines of what i blogged
Deleted two of the private ones so
Hello there now.

You know those times when you feel like you have nobody to talk to?
That's me 24/7.
Can't find the right person to talk to
The right person doesn't care or doesn't reply in time to soothe
my troubled mind and heart
I'm so troublesome. can't stand myself haha
Anyway,

Things changed, time have shown itself,
its power, what it can do.
People changed, or rather became who they are to become one day,
they grow, we grow, i grew.
I cannot emphasize enough of how ignorant i've become,
thanks to everyone who made me this way though.
Ignorance is bliss, i don't trouble over stuff as much anymore
and i can brush off some thoughts sometimes too (:
I like that very much.
Helps me move on from unnecessary wastage of brain cells,
not like i have much to spare anyway.

So we all grew and we start to, say,
form the shape that we will become one day and
for example,
a square cannot find into a circle hole anymore
no matter how hard you force it to.
unless you remold it or something but that's time again.
Let time do its job.
But i realize who treated me like trash and who still would
give me their time, I thank you for that.
For the trash treatment and for the time given.
Maybe i can't become a better person as a friend but
i hope i become a better me and spend my good efforts
in the right places.

I really don't like people, or i don't really like them

but i love those that stuck around.