so exhausted it's driving me into this sea of sorrow again
I usually mess up a lot when I'm this exhausted
and when my mind is in this state,
which further messes me up mentally lololol
urgh.
next month is looking pretty hectic already.....
can't wait for December where it will be better and worse at the same time.

waiting for the bus at the but stop
what sun is this?
the Sahara desert one?
yes, yes it is :(
tryna mass murder or something with heat so dangerous

LOL

i got hit on all the way back home from work, throughout my taxi ride LOL
was suppose to get the free Uber taxi ride but i didn't see the choices
nor did i know how to use the app
so i got one that i had to pay for T.T
but then the uncle said he very soft hearted one
so he ended my ride halfway and i only had to pay $20.
i paid $20 for a lot of compliments and life advices that i didn't want hahahahahaha
at the end i said "uncle, i'm a hermit crab for a reason one" hahahaha
EXCUSE ME UNCLE!!!!!

Little bits.

*warning, can be too eye rolling if you do not like me cos it's about ME*

So today, right today, i found out that i like my own company more than
i like it when i'm with other people.
When i'm with myself (wouldn't say all alone unless i really feel lonely),
i can decide things and think louder than when i'm with people,
so my thoughts are actually clearer.
I don't have to worry about another being or be worried about other beings
worrying about me or judging me.
I turned 21 this year, it took me so long for me to be really comfortable with myself.
Did everybody go through the same stages?
Struggling with self hate, criticising yourself in your head, hating life in general
because you hate yourself?
Harsh thought, scared thoughts, paranoid thoughts.
WHY didn't you love yourself, even a little bit, back then?
I don't exactly love myself as a whole yet, but i'm well on my way there.
Soooo many pimples on my face? it's k su an, no worries, life goes on.
Didn't get what you wanted? it's k su an, no worries, you can get it next time if you still want it.
Didn't eat that plate of fried food you were dying for? it's k su an, healthier choices is gud.
Fell out with people? it's k su an, no worries, learn and move forward, DO NOT EVER stay there mentally for way too long till you literally drain yourself of energy.
Friends angry at you for your decisions? it's k su an, if they understand, they wouldn't be angry. so don't need care la huh just move on. life is better that way.
Feel bad that you're missing out but really need to rest? My dear Su An, PLEASE rest. Please just rest when you can, you may fuck things up real bad when you don't have enough rest.
idk man, all these years, i only learnt these after i started to love myself.
Since young, all my thoughts were really harsh, dark, and deathly
so i cannot get rid of this real, harsh talk anymore. (or maybe i can in the far future)
And that made me realise people are going to misunderstand me a lot,
and they might not be able to take what i have to say, so might as well not.
People drain me, people are to tiring to be around all the time
although i do love the service industry but it's not all rainbow, glitters, and butterflies.
I love people and i hate them, or rather i hate the society. not too sure about that, unconfirmed.

What i'm trying to say is LEARN TO LOVE YOURSELF more,
the more you love yourself, the better it is for others around you too.
or not, in my case lolololol ignorance and no flying fucks given is not necessarily working for others.

but hey, i made my life easier compared to the past. :)

can't sleep and I really really need to..
times like this, I wish I never deleted twitter
so that I can scroll through endless general info of horoscopes
and think "this is quite very true" while I read every tweet about my horoscope.
and then it might bore me to sleep after awhile
but now?????
????????????
help?????????????????

*cryface

often when I'm too tired, I can't sleep
often when I'm too sad, I fake joy
often when I'm too lonely, I don't seek
the happy things will be all worth it, right?
right.
colours. bright, beautiful pastel colours would make things worthwhile.

it's 2am-ish and I can't sleep,
should have been asleep by 12am.
school tomorrow.

something happened recently,
not considered a norm in my life of course.
took a whole lot of energy out of me.
I dislike my mundane life staying so mundane
but I dislike this even more.
we fell for the trap. stupid us.
clearly a guy who thinks so highly of himself is not always the most sincere one.
what to do, life goes on,

time stops for no man.

I just typed a really long post and deleted the whole thing.
why do my thoughts always have a good chance
of being misunderstood or provoking/offending.
but I mean no harm, they are just thoughts of questions unanswered.
they are just words combined, asking a big question.
Human beings.
Life.



why so?

what a good day yesterday turned out to be :)

beginning to really hate september,
fucking haze and weather
and every other thing.
falling sick and feeling really uncomfortable internally
isn't helping at all.
or my face being in a really bad condition now.
if I remember correctly, years ago, I met someone
and September was something to us.
I'm beginning to think septembers are really bad for me.

I should go sign up for some yoga to fucking calm down.
ugh.

on a side note, I never thought of this
since it's dangerous and I have small balls (no guts),
I thought of getting a scooter and HOW CONVENIENT IT WOULD BE
oh my god why did I never think of that?
but I don't dare to even take up driving,
so getting a bike liscence? ahahahahhaa

ugh.. feel like giving up.
so i panicked during my paper, it was just one module and i had one job
but nope, panicked and screwed it up really badly. and i failed.
2 more months of this? :/

i'm becoming really detached with the world, with people.
and i'm pretty sure it's doing me a lot of good stuff
but not very sure if it's exactly good.
am i losing it..?
is this the stage where i'm suppose to rebel but i'm too lazy to,
that's why it got to this? probably. hahaha pffffffft

not sure what is suffocating me,
being this busy that I can't go out and have some fun time
or being this busy that I don't have time to relax and have some me-time.
it's so frustrating.
I need to recharge myself but noooo, no time.
:(

3 a.m.ish

been lying in bed for like over an hour now 

and if I fell asleep right when I've gotten cozy, 

would have been really lack of sleep. 

so with this one-hour.ish extra lack of sleep,

I might as well skip work tomorrow

(which I wouldn't, because hello money please don't go) 

help me. 

save me. 

please. 

today was rather busy but I'm glad I met C, 

idk man, I was staring at her eyebrows a lot because 

I love certain type of brows and hers were like *pink floaty heart shape emojis*

and she's probably taller than me. 

I'm constantly talking to people shorter than me that

when people of my height or taller than me appear 

and we have to communicate face to face for a period of time, 

I need to step back and look at that person while talking. 

it is intimidating. 

I've always wanted friends my height 

and they come by so rarely that I don't know what to do

when they're by my side. 

like hello, could we keep a distance so that I can see your whole face? 

and eyebrows, your whole face and your eyebrows.

nice eyebrows are the best.

daaa bessssst!

          yay!

sometimes the more I sense I can get attached to someone new,
the more I appear detached.
good job, my defense mechanism. keep it up.

I jus deleted twitter again today since it's rather useless now
maybe because I'm too busy with life?

Lost Stars - Begin Again

 Kun's 21st!

 I love how sharply blur these looks??

 Quick drinks, like really quick

 2am

so nice~

 so this was our first time on the downtown line 

AND IT'S SO CUTE!! 

SO PASTEL SO CUTE!!!

 6am

 it's my hair raya mee soto by ipah's mom again :D

 sunday

 so we don't usually walk fairy because

this happens 89% of the journey

 its gone )))))):

ipah and her sis tabao for me one tub of yummy cereals..

all gone.........

“I think a lot of people compare their insides to other people’s outsides.” -Emma Stone