I realized whatever that made me cry in an instant
still haunts me.
I will literally just cry.
I can suck up the tears for awhile but it will still come later on.
So, like the trips from hospitals while heading home on the bus,
i cried yesterday.
Except i was going home from Clementi
and that it wasn't because of another operation or anything.
Weird thing was half the time it was just no tears hahaha
not sure why, it's like you're crying dried tears.
I just hate, really really hate feeling useless
and having decisions made that i can't help with.
Like if i had to go for an op, it would be sooner or later,
and that's the only decision i can make.
I can say no now but it will still be a yes in the future,
so that's one thing i cannot change,
i could only choose the dates.
Yesterday that feeling came back when
i was cracking my eyes and brain to solve questions and
i re realized that i'm so fucking dumb.
i cannot do shit.
idiot.
I became useless again, it's like after an op,
you need to lie in bed and wait for people to serve or help you
for a period of time when necessary.
Like you don't own your life,
you cannot control it.
You need help.
Or you need people to run your life for you.
I don't know,
not even sure if it's exactly coming from that point and
from that exact feeling.
Pretty sure it's something else too but god damn it,
I FELT SO HELPLESS AND SO USELESS.
And it was only because i couldn't do ANY
of the group assignment questions on MA.
URGH.
I need more sleep, but it's never enough.
Less sleep = a more terrible me.
I hope i don't fall for anyone during this period of time
or else if i decide to break my own heart,
like because i don't want to confess and just suffer by myself,
i might just go over my limits and
hell will probably break lose
within myself.
That's not very pleasant.
Don't like that one bit.