so exhausted it's driving me into this sea of sorrow again
I usually mess up a lot when I'm this exhausted
and when my mind is in this state,
which further messes me up mentally lololol
urgh.
next month is looking pretty hectic already.....
can't wait for December where it will be better and worse at the same time.

waiting for the bus at the but stop
what sun is this?
the Sahara desert one?
yes, yes it is :(
tryna mass murder or something with heat so dangerous

LOL

i got hit on all the way back home from work, throughout my taxi ride LOL
was suppose to get the free Uber taxi ride but i didn't see the choices
nor did i know how to use the app
so i got one that i had to pay for T.T
but then the uncle said he very soft hearted one
so he ended my ride halfway and i only had to pay $20.
i paid $20 for a lot of compliments and life advices that i didn't want hahahahahaha
at the end i said "uncle, i'm a hermit crab for a reason one" hahahaha
EXCUSE ME UNCLE!!!!!

Little bits.

*warning, can be too eye rolling if you do not like me cos it's about ME*

So today, right today, i found out that i like my own company more than
i like it when i'm with other people.
When i'm with myself (wouldn't say all alone unless i really feel lonely),
i can decide things and think louder than when i'm with people,
so my thoughts are actually clearer.
I don't have to worry about another being or be worried about other beings
worrying about me or judging me.
I turned 21 this year, it took me so long for me to be really comfortable with myself.
Did everybody go through the same stages?
Struggling with self hate, criticising yourself in your head, hating life in general
because you hate yourself?
Harsh thought, scared thoughts, paranoid thoughts.
WHY didn't you love yourself, even a little bit, back then?
I don't exactly love myself as a whole yet, but i'm well on my way there.
Soooo many pimples on my face? it's k su an, no worries, life goes on.
Didn't get what you wanted? it's k su an, no worries, you can get it next time if you still want it.
Didn't eat that plate of fried food you were dying for? it's k su an, healthier choices is gud.
Fell out with people? it's k su an, no worries, learn and move forward, DO NOT EVER stay there mentally for way too long till you literally drain yourself of energy.
Friends angry at you for your decisions? it's k su an, if they understand, they wouldn't be angry. so don't need care la huh just move on. life is better that way.
Feel bad that you're missing out but really need to rest? My dear Su An, PLEASE rest. Please just rest when you can, you may fuck things up real bad when you don't have enough rest.
idk man, all these years, i only learnt these after i started to love myself.
Since young, all my thoughts were really harsh, dark, and deathly
so i cannot get rid of this real, harsh talk anymore. (or maybe i can in the far future)
And that made me realise people are going to misunderstand me a lot,
and they might not be able to take what i have to say, so might as well not.
People drain me, people are to tiring to be around all the time
although i do love the service industry but it's not all rainbow, glitters, and butterflies.
I love people and i hate them, or rather i hate the society. not too sure about that, unconfirmed.

What i'm trying to say is LEARN TO LOVE YOURSELF more,
the more you love yourself, the better it is for others around you too.
or not, in my case lolololol ignorance and no flying fucks given is not necessarily working for others.

but hey, i made my life easier compared to the past. :)

can't sleep and I really really need to..
times like this, I wish I never deleted twitter
so that I can scroll through endless general info of horoscopes
and think "this is quite very true" while I read every tweet about my horoscope.
and then it might bore me to sleep after awhile
but now?????
????????????
help?????????????????

*cryface

often when I'm too tired, I can't sleep
often when I'm too sad, I fake joy
often when I'm too lonely, I don't seek
the happy things will be all worth it, right?
right.
colours. bright, beautiful pastel colours would make things worthwhile.

it's 2am-ish and I can't sleep,
should have been asleep by 12am.
school tomorrow.

something happened recently,
not considered a norm in my life of course.
took a whole lot of energy out of me.
I dislike my mundane life staying so mundane
but I dislike this even more.
we fell for the trap. stupid us.
clearly a guy who thinks so highly of himself is not always the most sincere one.
what to do, life goes on,

time stops for no man.

I just typed a really long post and deleted the whole thing.
why do my thoughts always have a good chance
of being misunderstood or provoking/offending.
but I mean no harm, they are just thoughts of questions unanswered.
they are just words combined, asking a big question.
Human beings.
Life.



why so?