Alone,

I'm not strong enough,
nor am I absolutely weak
but I realized I cannot see or look at a source of pain.
It brings me back, throws me right back
to when I realized what happened.

I need someone, I need distraction
until I realize it's no longer pain
but only, and only, a lesson very well learnt.

But while I go through life,
please don't let the ends of the world that I can run to,
only be this little red dot.
I would very much like to be on boats and
breathe on different seas,
walk the pavements of different culture,
and sleep on beds to wake up and
be ever so curious about the place I'm at.
Please let me go everywhere and then
always let me come home,
safe.

I should be asleep,
or at least soon if not I can't wake up for school later on.
I've managed to keep my negative brain activities
really low for some time now,
and it's starting to rise back up again.
It's because of complex reasons that even I,
do not understand and can't figure out but
I do know some of the reasons.

Regrets.
There are two occasions where I could have reacted better
and it's bothering me.
Usually if something bothers me for a really long time,
I would tell the person related to the matter about it
and it's usually apologize.
I seek closure.
Even if we don't talk anymore.
These two, well, I don't and can't do it personally,
so I'll do it here.

C:
Remember that time we were in a book store?
Probably Times.
We were talking about horoscope or something
and said we were very compatible
and you asked something like why not we date
or something on that line
and I said no?
You were probably shocked but that question came
as a shock to me because I didn't understand,
I didn't know how to react as a friend.
I know we would probably become closer friends
if I agreed to that play (or not lol),
and I can only say maybe I reacted that way because
I rejected myself, and not you.
I would very much like to go back to the days
when there were the four of us and..
maybe I don't hate myself anymore and I don't regret
what happened because when you learn something,
you don't regret it,
but I just wish that we were better than this,
better than now.
I'm very sorry for that "No" I said because
it wasn't suppose to be a no,
it was suppose to be something better.
I miss us.



Y:
That day when we were at N's house and I shouted for you to
put down your legs
because you had your feet up on the table?
Yeah, I should have told you nicely instead.



I guess I could tell C but nah, haha
maybe one night when we go for a drink together
and I find the right timing to bring up
something that she would have probably forgotten
and I would look like an idiot,
yeah ok.
Goodnight!

Babe, remember that
there is no one lie that is or can be bulletproof,
not even the ones you tell yourself.

And i'm thankful that today
was probably a blessing in disguise,
maybe that's why i'm still alive. :)

got bored doing B Law assignment lol
back to doing it now.
boo.

"I learned at an early age that the bad things that happen to you are rarely the ones that you're worrying about."

"There's a comfort knowing that you're sworn to someone else."